Vampire's Kiss is a 1988 classic starring Nicolas Cage. If the name isn't familiar to you, then surely the infamous meme face is. That image alone should tell you about the magic you're about to see here.
Brace yourself. This is going to be a long post, and there are spoilers ahead. (Duh.)
Warning for spoilers, repetitive superlatives, and being overall link heavy.
The first ten minutes of the movie are unabashedly entertaining. The acting goes from stuck up to drunken at the drop of a hat (and the slur of some words). The movie begins with Peter Loew (Cage) stretched out on his therapist's (I wanna say, vinyl) couch, talking about some woman he just wanted to "get the hell out". His therapist (a distant cousin of Rue McClanahan) has a case of the scratchy throat, and the camera slowly zooms in on her.
They're playing the pronoun game because we don't really know who "she/her" is that either are talking about. Loew takes a moment to stare off into space, and then there's a really abrupt jump to a booming club. You can really feel the 80s.
In this club, we see Loew close talking to some random woman, and we can tell he's trying to get the booty. She says yes, and they stand together — he's going to get the booty.
As he exits the club, he's going on some spiel about conquering the world with her — or just traveling it anyway. I can't get over his accent. It sounds like the one kid in Drama class that takes English Renaissance theatre too seriously. They fluster a taxi driver, but somehow make it to Loew's apartment where there's some creepy kid watching them
The two are talking loudly as happy drunks do. Ms. Companion asks Loew what he does. He says "Literature" in the strangest way I've ever heard it, and they go into the apartment to bang. Their sexy times is interrupted by a super fake bat. It's a "turd on a rope", really.
Ms. C hops from the bed laughing but horrified, gathers her clothes, and hops out into the hallway. And the kid is there. She drunkenly tries to explain what's going on and dismisses it. Then she goes on to look like she's more than just drunk. And the creepy kid gets taken away by his mother.
Where the hell has she been. [link/image]
After Loew sashay-chantés out of his apartment, he lets out a weird Tidus laugh on the front stoop and next to the taxi. The taxi takes off, and it's the next day.
Loew's in his office, reading a file. His assistant/employee/secretary walks by, and he calls her into the office. He starts going on about how one of the authors wants his first agreement framed, and Loew's saying how it's impossible to find. As he's talking to her, she just:
Assistant/Secretary: Oh hot damn…
That's one hot, hot leg. (
I'm distracted by her, who's distracted by his bare ankle, and we both get roused by Loew's voice as it starts picking up in volume. He's goin on about this file he needs found post haste on the double; the assiscretary goes off to do what she needs to do. And he just:
What is this fascination with legs/ankles and shoes? I'm dazzled in my ignorance. Also, did I mention that this was only ten minutes into the movie? Yeah… Yeah. Oh, I'm loving it though. No sarcasm. Loew gets up from his chair and stares out his window. Below, there's a couple vigorously making out in front of a vendor, who is desperately trying to get them their drinks. The receptionist calls him and can't wait two damn seconds for him to pick up the phone before she starts getting worried. It's going to be okay.
There's a transition back to the therapist's office. Nothing particularly goes on here. There's just Loew's peculiar/stereotypical-surfer-dude accent, but the way he says "Holy shit" deserves to be a ringtone or a text alert. Also, this therapist is probably awful, but she has the greatest facial expressions.
This movie has no sense of transitioning. Sometimes it's either really abrupt or really loud — or, Maker help us, both. Back at the office, Loew's accent strikes again, and it's awful because he's reaming into Alva, the assiscretary, about this file again. Methinks, she's bad at her job.
Back at the apartment » 80s dark pop! Street shot transition and then Loew's at another bar. Something more business-y.
He's uninterested in life itself and the conversation his company's having. So he wordlessly excuses himself to a booth seat and starts talking to some lady with bomb ass earrings. He knocks back some ice and moves over to join her. She is, by the way, stroking a glass the entire time. He introduces himself, she herself. And then it's back to the apartment for the strangest dry humping I've had the privilege of watching.
Apparently, the new companion, Rachel, is a vampire. During this dry humping, she starts sucking his blood. He starts shouting "Okay, okay!" And then it slowly starts to look and sound more like a sex scene. Not a good one but one nonetheless. Rachel's boob gets squished, and it looks painful. [link slightly nsfw] There's awkward hair touching and heavy breathing, and another abrupt scene change to the next morning. This movie is nailing it with the scene flips.
Loew's shaving. He sings a jaunty tune while preparing coffee. He's talking out loud while heading to his bed. He's talking to Rachael and is serving up coffee for her, but when he extends it out, she's actually not there. His hand starts shaking, causing the cup to rattle noisily. It's a good scene actually. The next scene is also good, if only because of how hilarious it is.
He goes on another date to an art exhibit with Ms. Companion from earlier. It's like hair and paint on a mega canvas, I dunno. She asks him "Do you like it?" and he looks at her and replies, "I gotta take a piss." with the straightest face. And then walks away. I see where Brian gets his charm. As he's leaving, he looks back to see if she's looking and then he just leaves the museum. He goes out the exit (apparently, not emergency) and goes to hail a cab. Flawless.
Mind you, this is only twenty minutes of the movie. Actually only twenty minutes.
Peter's accent strikes again in the form of a Southern drawl. Back at the therapist's office, I learned that I never want to hear "horny" from Peter Loew's mouth ever and that he's very fond of repetition. Weird/bad scene change happens again, as does perfect acting. We finally see that Alva's not bad at her job. She's just increidbly overworked. Loew, however, is one tense asshole and also a liar. He needs to get bit again.
Post-office, Loew continues to be an asshole to the general public. He leaves a restaurant in a fury. There are mimes outside an apartment. But(!), this is where we start to see some dramatic progress. He calls Jackie (Ms. Companion) and tells her to meet up with him tonight. That night when he's getting ready, he's having some paranoid delusions. Turns out, he's not completely delusional as Rachel appears once again. -small gasp- The plot thickens.
When we get back to the office the next day, I can't quite tells you what happens. He's at his desk, shouting for Alva. Alva is trying to do her work and soon realises she's being called. He keeps shouting, gets up, and walks out of his office. He's not shouting anymore, but he marches to the main work area and jumps on a table. Alva does the sensible thing and runs. Unfortunately, he starts chasing her. I feel like 'chased' implies some sort of running. He's more aggressively power walking after her. I'm so glad we live in the era of smartphones.
Loew chases Alva down the hall into the ladies' bathroom where an old woman is so damn unimpressed. Look at that march. Also, we are just barely past the 30 minute mark. There are a lot of scene switches. There's a meeting later where Loew and five other people are having a laugh about Peter chasing Alva. It's not as utterly bad as it sounds. They slowly melt into giving Peter some grief about it. He laughs like an old man. It's a pretty odd scene. Peter goes home, sees a message for him from Jackie, and he proceeds to lose his mind. He looks like a toddler having a tantrum.
There's a parallel of Alva taking the train home and Peter going mental. Nothing really happens for a while. Peter visits his therapists and has a dramatic reading of the alphabet filled with hip thrusts and arm waggles. There's no way to describe what's happening in this scene in words. Gifs probably have been made, but I do not possess them. It's honestly the most fascinating tantrum a grown man has had. If you can't tell, this is also the beginning of his decline. Officially.
The next office scene has the face. It finally appeared, and honestly, I feel blessed.
Later, Rachel comes back, and Peter is one needy boy. Rachel's thirsty — for love. I feel kinda bad for her. She's also one dynamite vampire. Hello, mistress of the night. The next morning, Peter's having another hallucination. He vamps himself up in the mirror and then goes about his morning.
He eats a roach.
Alva doesn't go to work, so cue a scene of her at home. Her mother lays down the law and tells her to go to work. Also, unfortunately, Peter shows up. He came all the way from the city to the suburbs where Alva lives, and the taxi's only $20? The 80s. Alva tells him the truth, which I feel is a poor idea. He ends up shrugging it off, says "Fuck the contract and the client", and they get in the taxi. She asks if they can make a quick stop at a gas station. Yeah~ sure~ fine. Peter backpedals like an Olympian and tells her to find the damn contract anyway. He calls her out her name and then dry heaves all over the back of the driver chair.
We meet Alva's brother, Emilio, who basically shrugs off the whole situation. He gives her a case of blank[ bullet]s, and we're back at the office. Bad touch. Worse touch. And trust me, the dialogue is no better. I'm shocked and amazed she hasn't called the police. Or told the lead executive again what was happening. Peter has a moment where he realises he can't see his own reflection. Second milestone of his mental decline. His other secretary calls; he says "Tell them I'm in a meeting" like a cartoon vampire, and that's the best thing to come out of this scene. He curls up by the couch in his office and doesn't move.
Congratulations, we're at the one hour mark! Thirty more minutes to go!
Rachel appears. She dry humps the couch and drinks Peter's blood. Poor damn Alva finds the contract.
Peter has another moment and chases her down the hallway — and then down the emergency stairs to some backdoor parking facility. Or something. I don't know where they are. He shouts at her to shoot him or she's fired. This poor woman is terrified. She thinks he's going to assault her, which he then confirms with a waggle of his tongue. Classy. Since she has blanks, she starts shooting at the floor. She keeps doing this; he's shouting at her to shout him, while slapping himself and shouting "Help me!" He then gets close enough to rip open her dress, and he bites her. She faints from shock.
He bites her over and over again on the neck and face. Alva turns into Rachel, and Peter grabs the gun. He shoots himself twice in the mouth. When he lives, he starts crying. Literally shouting "boo-HOO!" He then comes to the conclusion he's a vampire. Alva's still knocked out on the ground. He taps her and tells her he's a vampire. She's still unconscious. He rips off her cross necklace and runs through the street shouting "I'm a vampire!" No one is fazed – except Alva. He goes home, breaks a mirror, and fucks up his closet.
Next morning. Apparently, he fucked up his whole apartment and is sleeping under a turned over couch that's supposed to be a coffin. God bless his soul. There's a scene at Alva's house where her mother tries to get her to come down for breakfast. Alva doesn't move. Emilio has a realisation of what could be wrong. Quick cut to Peter biting a pillow. Emilio tries to get Alva, doesn't succeed, and tells her he'll be at the station (where he works). Back to Peter, he's having a moment.
Later that night, he goes out to buy fake vampire teeth. He ends up getting plastic ones because he's low on cash. Then he traipses through town to the park where he rips open the packaging and puts the teeth in. He actually then crawls away. He calls his therapist at a payphone (old school), rearranges his appointment, and then kidnaps a pigeon. He runs home with it in his coat.
Nothing happens for a while, but he ends up at fucking Babylon making the face again. At said club, he walks through the sea of party people and somehow finds a woman sitting by herself on a couch with absolutely no one around her. After some fake teeth chomping, he gropes her. She slaps him. Then neck biting.
We're at the hour twenty mark – just for reference.
He bites the girl's neck until she bleeds. He waddles away and throws up somewhere. Rachel shows up and talks some sense into him. Then spits in his face. A random man shows up (probably another vampire). Peter throws up again. They leave, and Peter hobbles after Rachel and her beau. And boy, he starts causing a scene. He tries to out Rachel (or some woman that looks like her) as a vampire and ends up getting thrown out of the club. He tries to prove his truth as a vampire to a group of people standing outside. They mock him, and he runs away from a dude making a cross with his fingers. Peter ends up talking to himself, sees the sun, and runs towards it, shouting at it to kill him.
We then go to Alva and Emilio. Emilio's sleeping when Alva walks in. She ends up having a breakdown, and he asks her to tell him what's wrong, embracing her.
Peter's wandering the streets, and he tries to stake himself with a jagged 2x4. He then harasses a passing couple to kill him. Cut to Emilio driving down the road. He's a man on a mission. Peter's still wandering about, but now he's screaming "OOOH" in the middle of the street and almost gets hit by a few cars.
He hallucinates going to meet his therapist. He still has the giant 2x4 in his hand. In his mind, he's well put together. In reality, he's a bloody mess in need of a dye job and is monologing semi-coherently to a matte black wall. In his mind meeting, his therapist is setting him up with a woman, Sharon. She starts listing off her interests, and then they start talking poetry.
After setting a date with his magic woman, he starts confessing to his mind doctor, who just shrugs off his assault and tells him to carry on with his big romance. Oh, and she "will take care of the cops". That's how it works. He's walking and talking with Sharon, who points out the broken slab of wood he's carrying around. "Oh, I turned into a vampire last week, but it's all in the past now." (He got better.)
Emilio and Alva have been staking out at Peter's place for a while now, waiting for him to show up. Peter finally stumbles up to his house. Alva points him out, and Emilio busts a window to go after him. Peter grabs his own nuts, dry heaves a bunch, and then crawls under the coffin-couch.
Emilio comes in and flips over the couch. When the sun hits him, Peter starts freaking out and grabs the giant stake to off himself. Emilio shoves it into his body. Rachel shows up again. The movie's over.
I know we went on this big journey together, but I can't honestly tell you what I've been watching. This was perhaps one of the wildest ride I've been on with a movie in a long, long time. I'm sitting here asking so many questions. It was absolutely beautiful.
Vampire's Kiss is bonkers bananas wild sauce, and I really advise all of you to watch it. No lie. If you made it with me so far, bless you. Hopefully, this didn't warp your mind and turn you into some delusional pseudo-creature-of-the-night too.
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